Lawnmower parents are raising a generation of kids who struggle with adversity ( “割草機父母” 正養育出一群在逆境中掙扎的孩子)
Ramy Mahmoud, Contributor
Imagine your 10-year-old daughter is involved in a high-dive competition. She's past the point of participation trophies and genuinely wants to win. She performs as cleanly as she can, but the judges' scores are not as high as the other girls. Ultimately, she goes home with nothing and is devastated. How would you respond to her? A. "Well I thought you were the best of all of those girls." B. "It's OK. We'll get 'em next time." C. "Those girls were better than you, which is why you didn't win." 想像一下你十歲的女兒正在進行一場高空跳水比賽。她已經贏得一些獎杯，也真心希望這次能贏。她竭盡所能表現完美，但評審給她的成績不如其他女孩高。最後，她沒有獲得任何獎項，覺得心情糟透了。那你會如回應她呢？ A. “好吧。我認為你是所有女孩中表現最好的” B. “沒關係，我們下次可以擊敗他們” C. “那些女孩子們真的表現得比你好，這也是為何你會輸的原因”
What if I told you that two of the three responses above could be detrimentally affecting your child's academic future? 假如我跟你說上述三個回應中的其中兩個，可能對你小孩未來的學業有不好的影響呢？ Of course, in the moment, you just want to console her. And I get it. I'm a father of two. When my kids are sad, I'm sad. I hate seeing them in any pain, and it's our natural parental instinct to provide a quick remedy. 當然，在此刻當下，你只想安慰她。這我可以理解，因為我也是兩個小孩的爸爸；當我小孩覺得悲傷時，我也覺得悲傷。我討厭看見他們痛苦，而提供他們一個速成的安慰正是我們做父母的天性 Still, the first two responses, even with the best intentions, have one common negative thread. In fact, I argue the third response will actually best prepare your daughter for future academic success. The fact that you likely connected with it the least magnifies a growing problem many of us in the educational field are witnessing in our classrooms. 的確，前兩個選項，即便你的出發點是善意的，也會帶來負面的開始。事實上，我認為第三個選項對你兒女在未來學業上的成功是最好的準備；但你很少會聯想到第三個選項也正顯示一個正在我們教育場域中滋生的問題 I am a scientist, and when I first found out my wife was having a baby, I did what any scientist would do. I researched. I read every parenting and baby book I could get my hands on, and what I've realized is that there are a lot of experts who tell you to do completely different things. But if we begin to consider how our actions affect the way our kids view challenge and risk, it's amazing the impact we can have on the development of our children's academic reasoning. 我是一位科學家。當我發現我太太懷孕時，我做了所有科學家會做的事情，我仔細研究並閱讀每本能讓我上手的親子書，而我也意識到有很多專家會告訴你完全相反的事情；但如果我們開始考慮到我們父母的行為會影響到我們的小孩如何看待挑戰和風險，很令人驚訝的是，我們會影響到小孩在學業上的發展 Anyone with children can attest to the fact that our kids are constantly trying to challenge themselves, get their hands on new toys or attempt to climb up or jump off of something higher or further than ever before. In fact, much of our job as parents is to protect them from harm by being that filter that they don't yet have for themselves. Of course, we don't want our kids to incur great physical harm. But what if our idea of protection has in fact trained our kids to fear the world around them more than embrace the adventures it offers? 任何有小孩的人可以證實我們的小孩不斷的試著挑戰自己，讓自己對新玩具更上手，或嘗試爬上、跳下比他們還高或比過去還高的某物品。事實上，許多我們父母在做的工作，就如同濾網，只是在他們還沒準備好的時候，保護他們免於受傷。當然，我們不希望我們的小孩遭受很嚴重的身體傷害；但假如我們想保護他們的想法會不會變成讓他們更害怕周遭世界，而無法擁抱這世界所提供的冒險呢？ In the world of education, the term Helicopter Parent has become quite well known. In essence, these parents hover over their children, constantly pressuring them to accomplish tasks to perfection. A newer, and in my opinion, more damaging parenting style has developed over the past decade and become kindly known as Lawnmower Parenting. These are parents who constantly clear all obstacles from their children's paths so they never have to deal with problems for themselves. 在今日的教育中，「直升機父母」一詞已廣為人知。事實上，這些父母盤旋在她們小孩周遭，不斷給他們壓力去實現目標，讓他們更趨於完美。就我所知，有一種更新，更具破壞性的親職模式在過去十年中已經發展，而且也慢慢為人所知，就是「割草機父母」；這些父母不斷幫小孩清除他們路上的障礙物，所以這些小孩從沒有自己處理過問題。 These parents mean well. They don't want to see their babies suffer. But I argue that this consistent response to our children's struggles causes two serious problems. 這些父母立意良好，他們不想看到他們小孩受苦，但我認為這樣會引起兩個嚴重的問題 First, our kids are becoming increasingly entitled, thinking that everything comes easily. They simply expect things to always work out for them with minimal effort. Because of course it always has in the past. 第一、我們的小孩會越來越覺得，所有事物都很容易就得到。他們單純期待他們能以最少的努力就能讓所有事物運作，因為過去總是如此 With the first two responses to the high-dive scenario, it's easy to react by telling her you thought she was great or that things will somehow be more successful the next time without doing anything differently. Although common, and I've said both myself, the first two responses accomplish the same goal; they deflect the failure for the child. When confronted with an obstacle, the lawnmower parent will choose to distract the child so as not to suffer the sadness that may be associated with the loss. Repeating this cycle portrays a false reality that children deserve and should expect every reward this world has to give. 就前面所提高空跳水情境的前兩個選項，我們很容易做的反應就是告訴她(女兒)＂她很棒＂或是＂下次會更成功＂(但卻沒有因此做出任何改變)；而前兩個選項會達到同樣目的就是他們讓小孩避開失敗。當面臨障礙物時，割草機父母會選擇讓小孩轉向，這樣他們就不會承受悲傷以及隨之而來的失落。重複這樣的循環等於給了小孩虛假的現實以及他們期待這社會能給予的回報 Second, because our kids grow up without experiencing much or even any failure in their lives, they have no coping mechanisms to overcome adversity. This puts teachers in an especially awkward position because our role is to present obstacles for kids to overcome. And often, when confronted with these obstacles, because of their inexperience, they freeze up, put up a wall. And now we teachers are responsible for building experience with adversity and breaking down that wall. 第二、因為我們的小孩在成長過程中，沒有體驗過這麼多或甚至沒有失敗過，他們沒有具備有處理或克服逆境的能力。這也讓老師處於一個很奇怪的位置，因為老師要做的事情就是呈現障礙讓小孩去學習克服；所以狀況經常變成這樣，無經驗的小孩們面臨這些障礙，他們僵住了，替自己築起一到高牆。所以，現在老師們反而負責讓小孩們去體驗逆境以及打破這些高牆 We can do it, but we need parents' help. If parents continue to lawnmower and insist that we teachers serve as their lawnmower liaisons in the classroom, nobody wins. But if we all recognize the need to let kids struggle in a safe, recoverable environment, we can all work together to best prepare them for an increasingly unapologetic world. 老師們樂意去做這件事，但我們需要父母們的幫忙。假如父母們繼續扮演＂割草機＂角色，並堅持老師們在教室間只是協助割草，那就雙輸。但假如我們都能認知到讓小孩們在一個安全、可彌補的環境中奮力對抗逆境，我們可以一起合作，幫助小孩去準備面對這個越來越沒有犯錯空間的世界 Of the three reactions mentioned earlier, only the third forces the child to focus on her role in that particular failure. Granted, there could be other factors at play that are out of her control. But encouraging this discussion helps her brush it off, learn from the experience and continue to improve toward accomplishing the goal. That goal is now more attainable because of her deliberate focus. 就算在這場比賽中，仍有其他非她能掌控的因素；在前面所提到的三個選項中，只有第三個選項迫使小孩專注在那個失敗當中她所扮演的角色。此外，當我們主動和小孩討論這件事時，也能幫助她避免不去談它，從中學習經驗，並且持續的改善直到達成目標；這樣目標就會變得容易達成 The next time your children are confronted with failure, teach them to consider these key questions: 1. What role did I play in this particular failure? 2. What could I have done differently to be more successful? 3. How can I learn from this experience? 下一次，當你的小孩面臨失敗時，教導他們去思考這些主要問題： 1. 在這失敗中，我扮演何種角色？ 2. 我可以做什麼改變讓事情變得更成功？ 3. 我可以從中獲得什麼經驗？ If we can learn to stop deflecting failure, to stop mowing that lawn, educators and parents can collaboratively support our kids as they build the confidence to knock those weeds over themselves. 假如我們可以學著去停止避開失敗，停止＂割草＂，教育者和父母們可以一起合作，支持小孩在遭遇困難時建立自信心
Ramy Mahmoud is a teacher in Plano and an instructor in the University of Texas at Dallas' Teacher Development Center. He wrote this column for The Dallas Morning News. Twitter: @ramymahmoud21
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