Teenage - Parenting


How to raise successful kids – without over-parenting

如何適度養育成功小孩

by Julie Lythcott-Haims

You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per se. It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into theirselves. There's a certain style of parenting these days that's getting in the way.

我並沒有打算成為親職專家。事實上,我也對親職教育不怎麼感興趣。但這些日子有一種特定的親職模式會讓小孩變的更糟,阻礙他們有機會成為自己

I guess what I'm saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there's a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can't be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.

我想說的是,我們花費許多時間關心那些對於小孩的教育和教養不夠投入的父母親。但就另一面而言,過度投入的父母也會造成許多傷害。這些父母總覺得小孩需要保護並預防任何事情發生才能成功;所以這些父母總是在事情發生時盤旋在孩子周邊,管控每個時刻,並掌控小孩朝某些大學或職業前進

When we raise kids this way, and I'll say we, because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers, I've had these tendencies myself, our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.

當我們以這種方式養育小孩時;當然,包括我自己也以這種方式養育我兩個青少年小孩,結果他們過著一種有如評量表般的童年

And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like. We keep them safe and sound and fed and watered, and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools, that they're in the right classes at the right schools, and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools. But not just the grades, the scores, and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don't just join a club, start a club, because colleges want to see that. And check the box for community service. I mean, show the colleges you care about others.

那種有如評量表般的童年像是怎樣呢?我們讓小孩安然無恙,供應他們所需,我們也想確保他們進入對的班級以及對的學校,並得到對的成績。不僅僅只有成績,即便是稱讚、獎狀、運動、活動或是領導能力也是如此。我們告訴我們的小孩,不要僅僅只是加入社團,要能夠創辦一個社團,因為大學會想看到這方面;也要去從事社區服務,讓大學知道你會關心其他人

And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principal and coach and referee and act like our kid's concierge and personal handler and secretary.

做這些只是希望-切是完美的。我們期望我們的小孩能夠表現的完美,而那些完美是我們從沒要求自己達到的。也因為要求完美,我們認為我們做父母的應當要跟每個老師、校長、教練以及裁判據理力爭,且表現的像我們小孩的守門員、個人教練或秘書

And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be, to be sure they're not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.

對於我們的小孩,我們寶貝的小孩,我們花費如此多的時間去督促,哄騙,暗示,幫忙,爭論,嘮叨他們,以確保他們沒有破壞他們的未來。做這些只是希望-能夠得到一些很難能夠進入的大學的入學許可

And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood. First of all, there's no time for free play. There's no room in the afternoons, because everything has to be enriching, we think. It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them, and we absolve them of helping out around the house, and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist. And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we ask about all too often first is their homework and their grades. And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A's. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show –

而在如評量表般的童年長大的小孩是像什麼樣子呢?首先,他們沒有自由玩耍的時間。他們沒有個人空間,因為父母認為每件事情都要做得很充實,就宛如每項作業,每個小考,每個活動就會成為未來成敗的關鍵。而且,我們讓小孩免於幫忙家務,無法有充足睡眠只要他們正在執行評量表上的項目。而在如評量表般的童年,我們做父母的總說我們想要他們快樂,但當他們從學校回家時,我們最常也最先詢問他們的總是他們的作業及成績。他們總是在我們的臉上尋求認可,那是我們的愛,也是來自於成績A他們的價值;接著我們就走到他們身邊,像是Westminster狗狗秀當中的訓狗師一樣的給他們一些讚美

coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day. And when they get to high school, they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?" They go to counselors and they say, "What do I need to do to get into the right college?" And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they're getting some B's, or God forbid some C's, they frantically text their friends and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"

用好話哄他們讓他們跳高一點,跳遠一點,日復一日;當他們高中時,他們不會說:「學習、念書或從事活動有什麼有趣?」他們去輔導老師那裏,他們會說:「我需要做什麼才能夠進入我要的大學?」接著,當他們的高中成績開始起起落落時,他們得到成績B或不被允許的成績C時,他們瘋狂的傳簡訊給朋友並說:「有人曾經以這樣的成績進入想進入的大學嗎?」

And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they're breathless. They're brittle. They're a little burned out. They're a little old before their time, wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough, this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough." And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?

而我們的小孩,無論他們在哪裡完成高中,他們已經喘不過氣,他們變的冷淡,且覺得有點精疲力盡。他們比起他們的實際年齡顯得老態,他們多麼希望在他們生活中的大人們告訴他們:「你所做的已經足夠,你為你童年所做的努力已經足夠了」。而現在他們逐漸凋零,且罹患焦慮和憂鬱的比例很高;他們當中的有些人甚至覺得迷惘,覺得此生是否值得?

Well, we parents, we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it. We seem to behave -- it's like we literally think they will have no future if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers we have in mind for them.

好吧,我們做父母的一定認為所做的一切都是值得的。我們表現的就如同小孩會沒有未來,假如他們沒有進入這些我們父母在心中為他們設定的大學或職業

Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid they won't have a future we can brag about to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars. Yeah.

或者,也許我們做父母的只是害怕小孩沒有我們可以跟朋友炫耀的未來,以及沒有可以貼在車後的名校大學標籤貼紙

But if you look at what we've done, if you have the courage to really look at it, you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich," we send our children the message: "Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me." And so with our overhelp, our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding, we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy, which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche, far more important than that self-esteem they get every time we applaud. Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes, not -- There you go.

但是假如你看看我們父母做的,假如你提起勇氣真的看看我們父母自己做的,你就會發現不只小孩認為他們本身的價值來自於成績,而是我們做父母的也發送這樣的訊息給小孩:「Hey,小朋友,我不認為你可以達到你想要的,假如沒有我幫忙你的話。」也因為我們做父母的過度幫忙、過度保護以及過度指導和掌控,我們剝奪了小孩建立自我勝任感的機會。自我勝任感是一種很重要的精神和信念,遠比自尊來的重要,而自我勝任感的獲得就在於一個人能夠了解他的行為會導致的結果

Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf, but when one's own actions lead to outcomes. So simply put, if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must, then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming and experiencing of life for themselves.

父母的行為並不能代表小孩,只有自身的行為所導致的結果才是。簡單的說,假如我們的小孩想發展自我勝任感,那他們就必須在生活中能有更多的思考、規劃、行動、希望、處理、嘗試錯誤、夢想以及體驗

Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no.

我說每個小孩要努力、積極,且不需要父母親的介入或父母親也不需要對他們小孩感興趣,而我們父母親所能做的就是放開他們嗎?此刻,我說的是這樣嗎?絕對不是

That is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids. And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping -- like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help -- what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self. What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go. What I'm saying is, our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.

上述決不是我所傳達的。我想說的是,當我們將分數、成績、獎勵及獎狀視為小孩童年生活的目的時,或是部分父母期望未來小孩能夠進入某些大學或某些職場,這已經大大窄化小孩的成功。儘管靠著父母過度幫忙,小孩可以達到某些短期的獲勝,如:她們可以得到較高成績假如父母幫他們做作業,但這些就長遠而言就是賠上小孩的自我。我想說的是,父母應當不要過度關注小孩能申請或可能進入的某些大學,而是要多關心他們的習慣、心態、所具備的技能、身心健康。我想說的是,小孩需要父母親不那麼沉迷在成績及分數,而是對他們的童年多點興趣,並提供足以讓他們成功的基礎-愛及家事

Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here's why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace. Now, we all know this. You know this.

我剛說的是家事嗎?是的,我是如此說的。但為什麼是家事呢?有一份根據人類行為的哈佛長期研究顯示,我們期望小孩子在生活中能有專業上的成功,而這專業上的成功來自於如孩子般做家事的心態,而且如果你越早開始,越好;那是種捲起你的袖子使勁做事的心態,那種心態正說明了有些令人不太愉悅的工作需要有人去做,而那人也可以是我;那種心態也說明了我會貢獻一己之力,努力讓整體更好,而也正因如此讓你總能在職場當領頭羊 (領先別人)

We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn't exist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues? How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?

我們都知道這個道理,但在如評量表般的童年,我們仍讓我們的小孩免於做家事,結果當他們已經是大人並在職場上工作,他們仍在等待一份評量表,但這份評量表是不存在的;更重要的,他們缺乏了衝勁,缺乏了一種捲起袖子使勁做事的直覺,缺乏四處觀察並帶著疑惑對於自己之於同事是否有用以及自己如何提早上司幾步預測他的需求

A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family. So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves, and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.

從那份哈佛長期研究中,另一個非常重要的發現顯示,生活中的幸福來自於愛,是對人的熱愛,而不是對工作的熱愛,那包括:我們的伴侶、我們的朋友及我們的家庭。所以在童年時就需要教導我們的小孩如何去愛。他們無法愛人假如他們不知道如何先愛自己;他們不會懂得愛自己假如做父母的提供給他們的是有條件的愛

Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores when our precious offspring come home from school, or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye and let them see the joy that fills our faces when we see our child for the first time in a few hours. And then we have to say, "How was your day? What did you like about today?" And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?" They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA.

是的。做父母的不應當沉迷在成績及分數,當我們可愛的小孩放學回家,或當我們下班回家時,我們需要關掉我們的科技產品,將我們的電話放一旁,正眼看著他們,讓他們感覺我們看著他們時是充滿愉悅的神情,接著我們會說:「你今天如何啊?」當你的青少年女兒回答「午餐」就如同我的女兒般,即便我想要聽到的是關於數學考試,而非午餐,你仍然要對她提到的午餐話題感到興趣。你可以說:「今天午餐時間有什麼特別的事情嗎?」孩子們需要知道他們對於父母而言很重要,是因為他們是人,而不是因為他們的成績

All right, so you're thinking, chores and love, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of. The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here's the good news. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --

你認為家事和愛,這聽起來很棒,但幫幫忙吧,這些大學想要看到的是好成績、好分數、稱讚以及獎狀,而我也會告訴你,的確是這樣。這些有名大學是這樣要求的,但好消息是

you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.

你不需要進入這些知名大學才能讓你的生活快樂及成功。快樂及成功的人會去州立大學,去別人沒聽過的小學校,去社區大學,或甚至沒有大學畢業

The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools. And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they'll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.

證據就在此,在我們生活的社區,而這也是事實。假如我們能夠讓自己視野寬廣些,也願意多看看一些其他大學,並移除我們自己的自尊,我們就能夠接受並擁抱這個事實,並且我們也會理解:假如我們的小孩沒有進入這些知名學校,也並非是世界末日。更重要的,假如這些小孩的童年並未依著一張專制的評量表,那當他們進入大學時,無論是那一個大學,他們是依著自己的意願進入那所大學,他們受到自身渴望的激勵,他們有能力也準備好在那裏茁壯成長

I have to admit something to you. I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They're teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees --

我必須跟你承認某件事,我提到我有兩個小孩SawyerAvery,他們是青少年;而有一段時間,我想我對待他們就如同盆栽一樣

that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the most highly selective colleges. But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --

我會小心翼翼的修剪並塑型,希望他們完美,這樣才能夠保證他們能夠進入那些優秀的大學。但在跟很多的小孩一起工作後,到最後我才明白

and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren't bonsai trees. They're wildflowers of an unknown genus and species --

而也是在我養育了自己的兩個小孩後,我才了解我的小孩不是盆栽。他們是某種不知名種類的野花

and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that's up to them. My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their glorious selves.

而做父母的工作就是提供一個滋養的環境,透過做家事及愛他們使他們更強壯,所以他們也能夠愛別人並接受愛。而那些所謂的大學、主修科目、職業等等,這是由他們自己決定的。做父母的工作不是讓小孩成為父母希望他們成為的,而是支持他們成就自己

Thank you.

謝謝

How to raise successful kids - without over-parenting


ĉ
Lily Liu,
2017年2月14日 下午9:13
ĉ
Lily Liu,
2016年11月17日 下午9:10
ĉ
Lily Liu,
2017年1月18日 下午8:41
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