Teenage - Parenting

Deborah Khoshaba Psy.D.

Don't Be an Angry Bird  別當憤怒鳥

Conquer anger through self-awareness.

透過自我覺察來戰勝憤怒

Posted Sep 28, 2013 @ Psychology Today


“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels nor demons, heaven or hell.” Buddha Quotes

戰勝自己比起贏過無數戰役還更好;因為這些勝利是自己的,沒人能拿得走,即便是天使或魔鬼,在天堂或在地獄。佛陀語錄

You don’t have to be an Angry Bird to know something about the challenge of controlling anger. Learning how to express anger is a normal part of self-development that none of us escapes. It is part of the maturation process. We are taught to turn our cries of frustration into the word no and then into complex verbalizations that communicates our upset and feelings about it. But, some people have trouble with this process that results in fixed personality patterns in which uncontrolled anger is a major continuing feature (Narcissistic Personality DisorderBorderline Personality Disorder).

你不需要當一隻憤怒鳥才能知道控制憤怒是很具挑戰性的。學習表達憤怒是自我發展中很正常的一部分,且沒人能夠逃得過,這是讓自己變得更為成熟的過程。我們被教導將對挫折的吶喊轉變成文字說"No",然後再轉變成複雜的言語表達我們的感受及不高興。但有些人在這轉變的過程中出了問題,導致他們固著的人格模式,而其中無法受控制的憤怒就是主要持續的特質

But, you don’t have to have a personality disorder to have difficulties managing anger. Stress and health problems can temporarily undermine our ability to adequately cope with stressful problems. Chronic pain, physical disability,  (Your Hormones)Chronic Fatigue , Fibromyalgia DisorderTemporal Lobe Epilepsyallergies, migraines, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder  are physical conditions that have anger as a symptom.

但是,你不會因為有人格障礙問題才會有管理憤怒情緒的困難,壓力和健康問題也會逐漸損害我們的能力,讓我們無法適當處理壓力問題。慢性疼痛、慢性疲勞、壓力症候群等問題都把憤怒當作身體症狀

Even if you don’t have a problem that predisposes you to angry reactions, life is still an ongoing lesson in anger management in which you will have many chances to learn how to turn your upset into a healthy expression of differences.

即便你沒有易引發你憤怒反應的問題,憤怒管理仍是一生的課題,在其中你會有很多的機會學習如何將你的不舒服以一種健康的方式表達出來

Anger Is A Warning Bell 憤怒是一記警鐘

Anger is a complex emotion that signals we feel afraid, violated, or threatened and can range from mild irritation to full-out rage, depending upon the size of the threat, in our minds. We may not be in touch with the feeling of threat that is beneath our anger; but, it is there and fueling our upset. Take for example, a coworker who gets promoted over you. You feel angry, because you were passed up for the promotion. But, at the root of your anger is a threat to your self-esteem and a fear of job security. Or, for example, a friend says negative things about you. Certainly, you dislike being bad-mouthed. But, the real threat is to your self-image and having opened yourself up to a person who has hurt you.

憤怒是一種複雜的情緒,表示我們覺得害怕,覺得受到侵犯,或是感覺被威脅;憤怒的等級可以從輕微的惱怒到勃然大怒,這完全視我們心中感覺這個威脅有多大而定。我們也許感受不到威脅,因這威脅未達憤怒等級,但這威脅是存在的,且會刺激我們的不舒服感受。舉個例子,你的同事比你早先獲得升遷,你覺得很憤怒因為你被略過升遷;但追根究柢你的憤怒,是因為那威脅到你的自尊以及恐局工作是否有保障。另一個例子,一個朋友說了關於你的負面事情;我們的確不喜歡被苛刻批評,但真正的威脅是對於你的自我形象以及你對一個傷害你的人(朋友)曾經這麼坦白你自己

The greater the anger, the more pressure is on us to take a breather, calm down, and think through what is really bothering us. If we do not, there may be negative social, work or health consequences. Poorly managed anger can make us appear more self-centered, immature and out of control. It hurts our self-image and self-esteem and can lead to heart disease and other health-related problems, if chronic (Anger and Heart DiseaseNew York Times). Too, anger can negatively affect our work relations and job security. People who have chronic anger are more apt to be fired from their jobs, passed up for job promotions, make less pay, and have a history of highly-conflicted interpersonal relationships (American Psychological Association).

憤怒越大,我們承受的壓力也越大,必須讓自己深呼吸、平靜下來去想想真正困擾著我們的是什麼?假如不這麼做,也許就會對社交生活、工作或健康有負面的結果。若憤怒管理不良,更容易讓我們以自我為中心,不成熟及脫序的行為出現;那不僅會傷害到我們的自我形象及自尊,也會導致心臟疾病以及其他的健康問題。憤怒也會負面的影響到我們的工作關係及工作保障。那些有長期憤怒問題的人也比較容易在工作上被炒魷魚,或被略過升遷,得到較少的薪水,也較容易與人起衝突(美國心臟協會)

There’s no question about it, learning to better manage anger will serve us well physically, socially, and professionally.

毫無疑問的,學習管理好自己的憤怒能夠讓自己在身體上、社交上及專業上更好

Anger and the Fight-or-Flight Response to Stress

憤怒及戰鬥或逃跑對壓力的反應

Anger is evolutionarily tied to the nervous system’s fight-or-flight response to stress. In less civilized times, we dealt with fears to our survival by fighting foes fist-to-fist or by running away. For cave men, this was easier to do, as matters of survival were clear-cut. We were either food for predators or they were food for us. Today, matters of survival extend beyond the threat of going hungry. Now, we have ideas, beliefs, and values, and the feelings that accompany them, that complicate the nature of threat to our survival and welfare. What is more, we have the added pressure of having to manage our anger, when we feel threatened. We cannot fight fist to fist or run away. We may be jailed, fired from employment, or abandoned by lovers and friends. Or, if we flee the threat, we may be judged incompetent problem-solvers or cowards.

憤怒,就進化上,緊扣神經系統的戰鬥或逃跑對壓力的反應。在較未開化的年代,我們用拳頭對拳頭和敵人戰鬥或是逃跑來處理我們對生存的恐懼;對於原始人,當生存這件事情再明顯也不過的時候,這樣做是較容易的。我們要不就是掠食者的食物,要不我們本身就是掠食者。時至今日,生存這件事情已遠超過飢餓這樣的威脅;現在的我們有想法、有信念、有價值觀也有感受,這些都會讓威脅我們生存的本質更加的複雜。更甚者,當我們覺得自己受到威脅時,我們對於管理自己的憤怒有更多的壓力;我們無法用拳頭戰鬥或是逃跑,我們也許會坐牢,會被公司炒魷魚,或是被愛人或朋友遺棄。否則,假如我們逃離威脅,我們也許會被認為是懦夫或是解決問題能力不足的人

We have to cope with our anger or else there will be hard-hitting consequences for the lack of self-control. Today, coping is the fight side of the fight-or-flight response to threatening circumstances.

我們必須處理我們的憤怒,否則,就會因缺乏自制而產生影響深遠的後果。今日,在一個具威脅的環境中,處理憤怒情緒是偏向戰鬥或逃跑反應中的戰鬥那一面

Working Memory In Anger Management

工作記憶之於憤怒管理

We have to be able to reason through fears to cope with anger. You may recall in my article on Attention Deficit Disorder that at the heart of inhibition of anger and self-control is working memory. Working memory is the brain’s ability to give us a thinking space for processing what is happening to us in the moment. It lets us hold our thoughts on what is happening in our minds long enough to reason them through and to direct our behavior in constructive ways and stops distracting ideas from interfering with the process.

我們必須透過恐懼來理解,來處理憤怒。你也許記得我曾提過的實際上壓抑憤怒和自我控制的正是工作記憶。工作記憶是大腦的一種能力,讓我們能思考當下發生的事情;工作記憶讓我們可以持續關注已發生事情直到我們理解,並以建設性的方式指導我們的行為,也能阻擋那些紛亂的想法不去干擾這整個思考過程。

But, negative emotions, like anger, impair working memory. They over-excite the brain to the extent that nerve connections between emotions and working memory processes (brain’s frontal lobes) temporarily disconnect. Anger to the brain is like being on too much caffeine. When we are very angry, the brain gets so highly aroused that we lose the ability to think through what’s happening. We become one big ball of negative feeling!

但負面的情緒,如:憤怒,就會損害工作記憶;這些負面情緒會讓大腦過於高亢到某個程度,那會讓在情緒和工作記憶之間的神經連結暫時失去功能。憤怒之於大腦就如同一個人身上有太多的咖啡因;當我們相當憤怒時,大腦是高度的激動,那會讓我們失去思考能力,我們變成充滿負面情緒的大球

It takes a calm body to access the thinking space that the brain provides for regulating strong emotions through reasoning processes.

我們需要冷靜,才能讓大腦透過理性的思考過程以節制強烈的情緒

Anger Management Recommendations

如何做好憤怒管理

Traditional anger management therapy has a poor success rate, because of its short time frame (4 to 8 weeks) and its band-aid approach to understanding anger. Anger gets its blood supply, so to speak, from many areas of our functioning. Physiology, ideas tied to ego, thinking patterns, self-esteem, personality vulnerabilities, and health problems make anger a very complex experience.

傳統的憤怒管理治療成功率很低,因為它的治療時間短(4-8),且多集中在認識憤怒。但是,憤怒是由很多成因造成的,包括你的自我意識、思考模式、自尊、人格特質缺點及健康問題;而討論這些想法也使憤怒變成一種很複雜的經驗

It takes a lot of self-awareness to appreciate everything that may be contributing to our anger. The following treatment recommendations make you aware of the various areas of functioning that may be contributing to your anger problem. The more areas of functioning that you treat, the more chance you have of regulating angry responses into healthy self-expressions.

我們需要很多自我覺察去意識造成我們憤怒的成因。下面的建議能夠使你自覺到造成你憤怒問題的許多成因。若你能處理越多成因,你就越能管理你的憤怒反應並將之轉化成健康的自我表達

1. Befriend anger. The right attitude toward anger  is the first step to learning how to constructively manage it. Take a dispassionate interest in how anger operates in you so you can examine the body, mind, and feeling patterns that lead you to feeling hurt, rejected and devalued, and in defense of the ideas, beliefs and values that you hold.

1. 和憤怒做朋友。對待憤怒的正確態度,第一步就是學習如何積極的管理憤怒。用冷靜卻感興趣的態度去看看憤怒如何在你身上作用,如此你就可以檢視自己的身體、心理、以及那些會導致你覺得受傷、被拒絕、被貶抑的感覺模式和那些你用來堅持價值觀、信念或想法的防衛模式

Anger is a normal and useful human emotion. It’s not a virus that we need to keep at bay or protect ourselves against. When healthily expressed, anger allows us to healthily air differences, set boundaries, get better understanding, and grow relationships to deeper, more meaningful levels. Approach anger with curiosity and openness. This is the first step to conquering its potential for destructiveness in your life.

憤怒是一種正常且有用的人類情感;憤怒並不是我們要加以隔離的病毒。當憤怒被健康的表達出來時,它可以允許我們看到彼此的差異,設定彼此界線,對彼此有更好的理解,且讓這段關係達到更深、更有意義的境界。我們要用好奇且開放的態度來接近憤怒,這就是第一步去戰勝憤怒可能在你生活中帶來的毀滅

2. Become aware of your body’s arousal level. High body arousal produces chemicals and hormones that agitate the brain, stimulate negative feelings, and impair working memory. One of the first things you should do when you are feeling very angry is to take a moment to deep breathe. By slowing down breathing, you lower body and brain arousal, secure the connections between feeling and reasoning processes, and lessen the chance for saying and doing things that you may regret later.

2. 意識到憤怒時身體激動的程度。身體很激動時會產生化學反應及荷爾蒙,那會使大腦更激動,並刺激負面感受,損毀工作記憶。當你很生氣時,你該做的第一件事情就是花些時間深呼吸。藉著緩和你的呼吸,你就能降低身體和大腦的激動程度,穩固感覺和理性思考的連結,並減少你會說和做一些讓你稍後感到後悔事情的機會

When you make stress management and relaxation exercises part of your daily routine, it’s easier to stay calm in stressful situations. These exercises teach you how to observe subtle shifts in your biology so you know when your body’s arousal level is increasing, self-awareness and self-control are shutting down, and you are at risk for angry, impulsive reactions. A heads-up on rising body tension lets you cut off negative emotions at the pass, so that they don’t get the best of you. You’ll be happy to see how much anger you let go of when your body is relaxed and centered.

當你每天都有進行壓力管理或放鬆運動時,你也較容易在有壓力的情境中冷靜下來;這些運動能教你去觀察生理上的細微改變,讓你知道當你的身體感到越來越激動時,自我覺察和自我控制就會被關閉,而你很容易變的憤怒及衝動。有儀器能將一直上升的身體壓力指數顯示出來,那會讓你在及格邊緣時中斷負面想法,如此他們就無法擊敗你;而你將會很高興的看到你釋放多少壓力當你的身體是放鬆的

3. Unmask the fear behind your anger. Examine the emotional conflicts that are most apt to threaten you and make you angry. All of us have emotional conflicts from the past. Some of us yearn to be recognized, valued, and taken seriously by people, especially our loved ones. Others of us may have beliefs and values so deeply tied to our identity that having them challenged feels like a personal assault on us.

3. 揭開藏在憤怒背後的恐懼。檢視最讓你備受威脅及讓你生氣的情感衝突。我們每個人都會有來自過去的情感衝突;其中有些人渴望被認同、被重視、被認真對待,尤其是我所愛的人。其餘的則是對於自我認同有很深的信念及價值觀,而那些情感衝突也會讓他們感覺受到挑戰,就如同人身攻擊般

To get a hold of our anger, we have to become familiar with the fears it masks in us. Take a look at my post that describes the various fears that hide behind anger (Masks of Anger). Know your hot buttons so that anger doesn’t unexpectedly creep up and get the best of you.

為了約束我們的憤怒,我們必須熟悉憤怒背後所隱藏的恐懼。你必須要知道你的地雷為何,如此憤怒不會毫無預期的緩慢滋長並擊倒你

4. Examine all or nothing thinking. All or nothing thinking sets us up to feel angry when people or circumstances conflict with these ideas. Maintaining all or nothing ideas and beliefs about who we are or the meaning of a situation can evoke powerful emotions in us, when countered. We are not questioning the right to a belief here. It is more the insistence that no other belief has a right to exist.

4. 檢視全有或全無(非黑即白)的思考模式。全有或全無的思考模式會使我們感到憤怒,當人們或周遭環境和這些思考模式有衝突時。擁有全有或全無的思考模式容易引發我們強烈的情緒;因為我們並不是在質疑這個信念是否正確,而是在堅決要求不能有其他信念的存在

Over-identifying with ideas of the ego is always at the root of all or nothing thinking. Our self-image, religion, politics, culture, nationality, beliefs, and values are reference points that ground us in the world. But, they can become powerful stimuli for aggression in us, when our investment in their rightness gives little room for other people’s observations and opinions.

過分認同自我一直是全有或全無思考模式的問題根源。我們的自我形象、宗教、政治、文化、民族性、信念和價值觀都是我們的參考點,讓我們可以立足在這個世界上;但他們會大大的刺激我們的侵略性,不讓我們對別人的觀察和想法存有空間

We can learn a lot about ourselves through our anger. Anger informs. Its usefulness or destructiveness depends upon how we cope with it. Hence,  don’t treat anger like a virus to be avoided. Own it, study it, and work on all areas of your life that contributes to its unhealthy expression.

我們可以透過我們的憤怒更加了解自己。憤怒會告訴你很多事情。憤怒是有用的或是具破壞性的,但看你如何處理它。因此,別將憤怒看的很像病毒而去避免它;擁有憤怒,研究憤怒,並致力於了解導致你生活中的憤怒不良表達的原因

I hope you liked my post today and that it gives you some new tools to think about and to manage your anger. If you did, please let me know by selecting the Like icon that immediately follows. You can also Tweet or Google+1 today’s post to let your friends know about it.

Have a calm, centered, and self-aware day. Warmly Deborah.

 

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-hardy/201309/dont-be-angry-bird

 



Don't be an angry bird

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